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HANGOVER RATINGS
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If you don't laugh, then you just can't relate. Guess you have had
to been there one time or another..........
One Star Hangover (*):
No pain. No real feeling of illness. You're able to function
relatively well; however, you are still parched. You can drink 5
sodas and still feel this way. For some reason, you are craving a
steak & fries.
Two Star Hangover (**):
No pain, but something is definitely amiss. You may look okay, but
you have the mental capacity of a staple gun. The coffee you are
chugging is only increasing your rumbling gut, which is still
tossing around the fruity pancake from the 3:00 AM Waffle House
excursion. There is some definite
havoc being wreaked upon your bowels.
Three Star Hangover (***):
Slight headache. Stomach feels crappy. You are definitely not
productive. Anytime a girl walks by you gag because her perfume
reminds you of the flavored schnapps shots your alcoholic friends
dared you to drink. Life would be better right now if you were home
in your bed watching Lucy
reruns. You've had 4 cups of coffee, a gallon of water, 3 iced teas
and a diet Coke --- yet you haven't peed once.
Four Star Hangover (****):
Life sucks. Your head is throbbing. You can't speak too quickly or
else you might puke. Your boss has already lambasted you for being
late and has given you a lecture for reeking of booze. You wore nice
clothes, but that can't hide the fact that you only shaved one side
of your face. (For the ladies, it looks like you put your make-up on
while riding the bumper cars.) Your eyes look like one big red vein,
and even your hair hurts. Your sphincter is in perpetual spasm, and
the first of about five shits you take during the day brings water
to the eyes of everyone who enters the bathroom.
Five Star Hangover (*****):
You have a second heartbeat in your head, which is actually
annoying the employee who sits in the next cube. Vodka vapor is
seeping out of every pore and making you dizzy. In fact, you are
probably still drunk. You still have toothpaste crust in the corners
of your mouth from brushing your teeth in an attempt to get the
remnants of the poop fairy out. Your body has lost the ability to
generate saliva so your tongue is suffocating you. You don't have
the foggiest idea who the hell the stranger was passed out in your
bed this morning. Any attempt to defecate results in a fire hose
like discharge of alcohol-scented fluid with a rare 'floater' thrown
in. The sole purpose of this 'floater' seems to be to splash the
toilet water all over your ass. Death sounds
pretty good about right now! |
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