When you are sad - I will help you get drunk and plot revenge against the sorry bastard
 who made you sad.

 When you are blue - I will try to dislodge whatever is choking you.

 When you smile - I will know you've finally had sex.

 When you are scared - I will rag on you about it every chance I get.

 When you are worried - I will tell you horrible stories about how much worse it could be
 and to quit whining.

 When you are confused - I will use little words.

 When you are sick - Stay the hell away from me until you are well again, I don't want
 whatever you have.

 When you fall - I will point and laugh at your clumsy ass.

 And remember: A good friend will help you move. A really good friend will help you

 move a body. Let me know if I ever need to bring a shovel.